Time is a tricky thing. As kids, we have more than we know what to do with. But as adults—especially once we have kids of our own, it never feels like we have enough. So when it comes to utilizing the time we have with our kids, learning to handle it well is essential.
In Deuteronomy 6, Moses has received the Ten Commandments and is telling the Israelites what to do with what they just heard. He mentions four specific times in the day when the families are to recall the law God has given them: sitting at home, walking along the road, lying down, and getting up. Moses points out these times of day to make a point to the people he is leading. Make the time you have count by building into the quantity of your everyday moments, the space to create quality moments to talk about the things that are important.
Interestingly, what he says translates well into our world today. While it may look differently as our kids grow up, we must take advantage of the time we already have within the rhythm of our day to talk about what matters most with them.
So, over the next few weeks we are going to break down four specific times that happen naturally during the day. And for intentionality’s sake, we’ve assigned some very specific goals to them. We’ve generally called these Morning Time, Drive Time, Meal Time, and Bed Time.
In Deuteronomy 6, Moses has received the Ten Commandments and is telling the Israelites what to do with what they just heard. He mentions four specific times in the day when the families are to recall the law God has given them: sitting at home, walking along the road, lying down, and getting up. Moses points out these times of day to make a point to the people he is leading. Make the time you have count by building into the quantity of your everyday moments, the space to create quality moments to talk about the things that are important.
Interestingly, what he says translates well into our world today. While it may look differently as our kids grow up, we must take advantage of the time we already have within the rhythm of our day to talk about what matters most with them.
So, over the next few weeks we are going to break down four specific times that happen naturally during the day. And for intentionality’s sake, we’ve assigned some very specific goals to them. We’ve generally called these Morning Time, Drive Time, Meal Time, and Bed Time.
Morning TimeYour Role: Coach
Communication: Encouraging Words Goal: Instill purpose |
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Mornings can be rough. With babies, it generally starts earlier than any parent wants. With kids, getting the school projects, show and tell, lunches, and child itself out the door is a task of epic proportions. With teenagers, the actual waking them up part is enough to rob you of joy for the rest of the day.
But maybe part of what makes mornings hard is we try to get through them more than we try to use them. If we had a goal—like instilling purpose, and a mode of accomplishing it, like encouraging words, we could change the look and feel of our day.
My husband literally treats morning like a coach with his team—giving our two boys a pep talk before he heads out the door. It’s like a motivational speech—which is the point: to encourage and inspire the boys for the day ahead. He tells them how he knows they are going to be kind to each other, treat each other in a loving way and give their mama no drama. Some days it feels like a “name it and claim it”—like if he puts the idea in their head, there’s a better chance of it actually happening.
Sometimes it works. Other times it doesn’t.
But the point is to start the day that way because it gives kids, even in an indirect way, a really crucial understanding. Every day is fresh. Every day is new. Every day is the chance to do this all again, and to maybe even do better than we did last time. Mornings are where forgiveness and lack of grudges can show up best.
So what are some practical morning time tips?
What are some of the ways you are intentional with Morning Time in your home?
But maybe part of what makes mornings hard is we try to get through them more than we try to use them. If we had a goal—like instilling purpose, and a mode of accomplishing it, like encouraging words, we could change the look and feel of our day.
My husband literally treats morning like a coach with his team—giving our two boys a pep talk before he heads out the door. It’s like a motivational speech—which is the point: to encourage and inspire the boys for the day ahead. He tells them how he knows they are going to be kind to each other, treat each other in a loving way and give their mama no drama. Some days it feels like a “name it and claim it”—like if he puts the idea in their head, there’s a better chance of it actually happening.
Sometimes it works. Other times it doesn’t.
But the point is to start the day that way because it gives kids, even in an indirect way, a really crucial understanding. Every day is fresh. Every day is new. Every day is the chance to do this all again, and to maybe even do better than we did last time. Mornings are where forgiveness and lack of grudges can show up best.
So what are some practical morning time tips?
- Communicate ideals for the day, in conduct and behavior with hope—not demands. Let your kids know you want them to win for the day.
- Learn your kid’s schedules and what they have coming up. Tests? Try outs? The dreaded mile-run in PE? Show them you care, by being in the know about what’s going on in their life.
- Tell your kids how proud you are of them, how much you believe in them, and the potential you see in them. No matter how old they are, they will never outgrow the need for encouraging words.
- Reserve at least five minutes for yourself, before your kids get up. It’s hard to instill purpose in others if you feel depleted.
- Set the tone for your home. Don’t let your kids’ emotions steer the ship. How do you want the mornings to feel? Then do everything you can to make them feel that way.
What are some of the ways you are intentional with Morning Time in your home?
Drive TimeYour Role: Friend
Communication: Informal Dialogue Goal: Interpret Life |
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When you think about it, time in the car is packed full of potential. You are literally stuck in the same space with your kids as you drive from point A to point B. But this doesn’t have to be a death sentence. In fact, if you turn down the radio, turn off the DVD player, and use it as a time to connect with your kids, you may find yourself wishing for more (maybe not a twelve-hour drive, but you get the idea).
Drive time is the most laid back and non-threatening of the four times. You can avoid eye contact—which eliminates a lot of pressure—and use distractions to your advantage, allowing you to interact with your kids in a really casual way. Some of the best conversations can happen The goal here is to enter their world, talk about the stuff they love, the songs on the radio, the movies they want to see, the things that pique their interest. In that way it puts your kids in the driver’s seat, in the figurative sense, because they set the agenda for conversation.
The point isn’t to prove you’re cool because you’re up on the latest trends, bands and pop culture. Instead, it sends a message to your child that you ask the questions you do, you show interest in the things they like, because you actually like them. You aren’t stuck with them until the you get where you’re going, but you getthese extra minutes as a gift, so why not make that time count by getting in their world?
To make the most of this time, learn to ask good questions:
What movies do you want to see?
What’s your favorite song right now?
What was the best part of your day? The worst?
What are you most looking forward to about where we are headed? What are you dreading?
Did anything funny happen today?
Did anything surprising happen?
As important as your initial question is to get them talking, your follow up one is even more important because it shows you’re listening. Remember, this is a time to connect, not work through a checklist.
For preschoolers, keep it simple. I love asking my boys their favorite color, truck, animal (you get the idea) on a regular basis because they are constantly changing. Make a game out of looking for cars the color they love, spying fire trucks, and other fun sightings.
For some of us, a win is just turning off the DVD player, and turning town the sports radio. Even if magic doesn’t happen in drive time, at least give it the space for it happen. And you’ll likely find that some of your best conversations with your kids, and most revealing, will happen in the car.
What are some of the best ways you’ve used the time in the car to connect with your child and not just pass the time?
Drive time is the most laid back and non-threatening of the four times. You can avoid eye contact—which eliminates a lot of pressure—and use distractions to your advantage, allowing you to interact with your kids in a really casual way. Some of the best conversations can happen The goal here is to enter their world, talk about the stuff they love, the songs on the radio, the movies they want to see, the things that pique their interest. In that way it puts your kids in the driver’s seat, in the figurative sense, because they set the agenda for conversation.
The point isn’t to prove you’re cool because you’re up on the latest trends, bands and pop culture. Instead, it sends a message to your child that you ask the questions you do, you show interest in the things they like, because you actually like them. You aren’t stuck with them until the you get where you’re going, but you getthese extra minutes as a gift, so why not make that time count by getting in their world?
To make the most of this time, learn to ask good questions:
What movies do you want to see?
What’s your favorite song right now?
What was the best part of your day? The worst?
What are you most looking forward to about where we are headed? What are you dreading?
Did anything funny happen today?
Did anything surprising happen?
As important as your initial question is to get them talking, your follow up one is even more important because it shows you’re listening. Remember, this is a time to connect, not work through a checklist.
For preschoolers, keep it simple. I love asking my boys their favorite color, truck, animal (you get the idea) on a regular basis because they are constantly changing. Make a game out of looking for cars the color they love, spying fire trucks, and other fun sightings.
For some of us, a win is just turning off the DVD player, and turning town the sports radio. Even if magic doesn’t happen in drive time, at least give it the space for it happen. And you’ll likely find that some of your best conversations with your kids, and most revealing, will happen in the car.
What are some of the best ways you’ve used the time in the car to connect with your child and not just pass the time?
Meal TimeYour Role: Teacher
Communication: Formal Discussion Goal: Establish values |
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Meal time can often feel chaotic, but what if it was within our power to make it less that way? To start, get around the table. Turn off the TV. Leave your phones on the counter. Seriously. And start talking. Talk to your toddlers and your preschoolers, talk to your spouse, talk to your teenagers even if all you get are grunts and one word answers.
The goal of this time to establish your family values, so how do you do that? Begin by deciding (with your spouse if you’re married) what you want those values to be. Pick three things you want to represent your family. Maybe your kids developing a faith of their own is a given, so think of three other character based things to complement their faith. Do you want to be a family that celebrates respect? Honesty? Fun? Connection? Communication? Sports? Intelligence? Picking your top three doesn’t mean you don’t see the importance of other values, it just means you are going to work to elevate these three things.
Then use your time at the table to celebrate these things.
For example, let’s say you decided honesty was something your family was going to hold in high esteem. Instead of just telling your kids how important it is for them to be honest, try sharing some stories of your own. Maybe you learned something the hard way about being honest as a kid. Maybe you were challenged just this week in a situation where it would have been easier to be dishonest, but you took the high road, and can share with your kids the benefits and the challenges. Telling stories on yourself gives your kids insight into who you are, not just as a parent, but as a person, and gives them clues into why your family values what it does.
Younger kids love the chance to hear stories portraying their parents as kids once themselves. But teenagers need the chance to hear stories of their parents that make them more human and relatable—instead of just a distant authority figure.
But it does more than that too. Elevating values through your own experience allows your kids to see that the things you want so much for your kids to model in their lives are the things you are working hard to model in your own.
Ultimately, meal time is a win when it’s used to center your family. It can help you regroup, re-gather, and be reminded of your connection with each other and the things that make your family unique. As chaotic as things can sometimes feel, as maddening as your family can sometimes be, you are in it together. So make the time you have together strengthen your family, and become closer and more resilient than ever before.
The goal of this time to establish your family values, so how do you do that? Begin by deciding (with your spouse if you’re married) what you want those values to be. Pick three things you want to represent your family. Maybe your kids developing a faith of their own is a given, so think of three other character based things to complement their faith. Do you want to be a family that celebrates respect? Honesty? Fun? Connection? Communication? Sports? Intelligence? Picking your top three doesn’t mean you don’t see the importance of other values, it just means you are going to work to elevate these three things.
Then use your time at the table to celebrate these things.
For example, let’s say you decided honesty was something your family was going to hold in high esteem. Instead of just telling your kids how important it is for them to be honest, try sharing some stories of your own. Maybe you learned something the hard way about being honest as a kid. Maybe you were challenged just this week in a situation where it would have been easier to be dishonest, but you took the high road, and can share with your kids the benefits and the challenges. Telling stories on yourself gives your kids insight into who you are, not just as a parent, but as a person, and gives them clues into why your family values what it does.
Younger kids love the chance to hear stories portraying their parents as kids once themselves. But teenagers need the chance to hear stories of their parents that make them more human and relatable—instead of just a distant authority figure.
But it does more than that too. Elevating values through your own experience allows your kids to see that the things you want so much for your kids to model in their lives are the things you are working hard to model in your own.
Ultimately, meal time is a win when it’s used to center your family. It can help you regroup, re-gather, and be reminded of your connection with each other and the things that make your family unique. As chaotic as things can sometimes feel, as maddening as your family can sometimes be, you are in it together. So make the time you have together strengthen your family, and become closer and more resilient than ever before.
Bed TimeRole: Counselor
Communication: Intimate conversation Goal: Build intimacy |
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As an adult, I find that bedtime is the time when all the things that have happened that day come flooding into my mind. Kids are the same way. Bedtime is a naturally reflective time. So use it to your advantage! Ask your kids what’s going on in their heart. Did anything make them sad today? Anything make them happy? Anything that is bothering them or isn’t sitting right?
This is one of the best parts of my day. I lie next to my five-year-old, scratch his back and I get to hear the good stuff. About how much he loved having pizza, how he didn’t understand why he lost something because of his attitude. This is the time where everyone gets closure on the day, and when you help offer it as the adult, you communicate to your kids that you are safe and trustworthy.
Because of the ages of my boys this is also when I hear about fears of what might be lurking in the closets, under the bed or in the corner. It’s when I get to assure them of the timeless truths that mean the most to them right now:
“God is with you.”
“You are braver than you think you are.”
It’s also a great time to draw attention to the things we see God doing in our kids as individuals.
“I saw the way you helped your brother today, and I am so proud of you.”
“I loved how you ate all of your broccoli without complaining, even though you don’t love it.”
“I noticed how you put your clothes away and I didn’t even have to ask! Thank you.”
Let your kids know, no matter how old they are, you notice them. You see potential in them. And you’re for them.
Bedtime is definitely something we get to utilize the most when our kids are young. But we shouldn’t be quick to eliminate it the possibility of it as our kids get older—though obviously it will look different.
I remember as a teenager, every night I went out, my dad waited up for me. He would be sitting in his chair watching TV, or dozing off. And it wasn’t just that he would stay awake for me, it’s that he would stay awake after I got home. Because as a dad to a teenage daughter he knew that if the stars aligned, I just might start talking about something meaningful. I might. He knew, you can’t plan for those times, but you can be available for when they do happen. This is the stage where your teenagers set the tone more than you for what’s to happen—so be prepared and be willing when they make the time to talk.
Not every day is a win. Not every time with our kids is purposeful. But when we look for the chance to impart meaning and purpose, we may find opportunities we never knew we had, and the chance to relate to our kids in ways we never imagined possible.
This is one of the best parts of my day. I lie next to my five-year-old, scratch his back and I get to hear the good stuff. About how much he loved having pizza, how he didn’t understand why he lost something because of his attitude. This is the time where everyone gets closure on the day, and when you help offer it as the adult, you communicate to your kids that you are safe and trustworthy.
Because of the ages of my boys this is also when I hear about fears of what might be lurking in the closets, under the bed or in the corner. It’s when I get to assure them of the timeless truths that mean the most to them right now:
“God is with you.”
“You are braver than you think you are.”
It’s also a great time to draw attention to the things we see God doing in our kids as individuals.
“I saw the way you helped your brother today, and I am so proud of you.”
“I loved how you ate all of your broccoli without complaining, even though you don’t love it.”
“I noticed how you put your clothes away and I didn’t even have to ask! Thank you.”
Let your kids know, no matter how old they are, you notice them. You see potential in them. And you’re for them.
Bedtime is definitely something we get to utilize the most when our kids are young. But we shouldn’t be quick to eliminate it the possibility of it as our kids get older—though obviously it will look different.
I remember as a teenager, every night I went out, my dad waited up for me. He would be sitting in his chair watching TV, or dozing off. And it wasn’t just that he would stay awake for me, it’s that he would stay awake after I got home. Because as a dad to a teenage daughter he knew that if the stars aligned, I just might start talking about something meaningful. I might. He knew, you can’t plan for those times, but you can be available for when they do happen. This is the stage where your teenagers set the tone more than you for what’s to happen—so be prepared and be willing when they make the time to talk.
Not every day is a win. Not every time with our kids is purposeful. But when we look for the chance to impart meaning and purpose, we may find opportunities we never knew we had, and the chance to relate to our kids in ways we never imagined possible.